I am always guided…
I grew up exposed to many different religious beliefs, and Christianity was front and center. The idea of a divine judge never felt right to me. When being in nature and listening to my heart I felt intuitively that if judgment was what I would face at the end of my life, it could only be from myself.
I studied lots of different religious/spiritual beliefs, and saw a pattern, a consistent thread, through their teachings. It seemed to claim that everything is connected on the absolute deepest level.
At age eleven I read my first book on meditation.
I began to feel into a part of myself that is “God” in the sense that it is the part of me that is connected to all things and knows my past, present and future. I call this my higher self.
When I was 16 I went out into the garden and sat with myself among the grass. I began searching for a four-leaf clover. I searched for a long time without finding one.
I decided to try a little experiment with myself.
I told myself that if what I believed about my higher self was true, I could be guided towards my intention. So I asked my higher self a question, “Is there a four-leaf clover in this garden?” And then I sat still and listened with my whole body. I felt an energy come into my body. I felt as that energy moved from my heart into my head and formed words in my mind.
I felt “no.”
I asked my higher self next, “can I manifest one?”
All the ancient texts and tales I’d heard from India and Tibet claimed that matter itself is malleable.
Quantum physics tells us similarly that every thing which appears solid is itself mostly empty space filled with energy vibrating in such a way to form the semblance of solidity.
The answer this time… “yes.”
I sat for some time in meditation and then again i ‘felt’, “look behind you”.
On the ground behind me was a tiny baby four leaf clover. It looked as if it had just sprouted from the ground.
I don’t know if what I experienced that day is real outside of my own perception, but I do know that it is real in my experience.
At many other times in my life since that day I have called on my higher self for guidance. It is the voice of my intuition, and when I choose to listen, it is never wrong.
I believe each and every one of us have this inner guide that can be called on. The voice of truth within each heart.
Even though I had my intuition, this inner guidance that is always with me, I kept this part of myself hidden from the outside world.
When it came to other people I felt catastrophically inadequate…
I was emotionally and verbally abused by my mother and just like every other victim of abuse, I was one hundred percent convinced that I deserved every single insult I was given and internalized every single one. As a teen I suffered from depression and eventually began acting on my thoughts of suicide. I spent several weeks in a mental hospital after a failed attempt to slit my wrist. For me, the most painful part of my abuse was that it felt like no one believed me. I was not hit, and I did not have scars, so I had nothing to complain about. Nothing I felt was valid. Cutting myself gave me a sense of control. I thought,
My feelings of worthlessness were overwhelming. If what my mother taught me about myself was true - the world was better off without me.
In the hospital I was put on antidepressants. I felt numb. The anti-depressants didn’t take away my pain. They took away everything. That feeling is what led me to make a decision. I decided, in that moment, that I would rather feel my pain than feel nothing at all. That is the moment I truly took my life into my own hands. I chose to stop taking the pills. I chose to see the beauty in the drama of my life. I fell in love with my story. I chose to live.
I chose to see the hero in myself, even if it was a secret that only I could keep.
At 24 I had a steady desk job, a beautiful little house, a great school for my then 6 year old daughter, and a comfortable life, but I still felt empty inside.
I felt a subtle level of discontent right below the surface. It had been half a year since I had gotten out of a painfully drawn out relationship where I was rejected by my fiancé who had married someone else less than a month after giving up on our relationship. I wanted to leave but thinking of going anywhere felt like running away. I was determined to face the challenges in my life head on and I refused to leave if it meant I was running away.
My roommate Jake decided to give me a tarot card reading. He read for me the “two paths” spread. One path was laid out with things I desired: A family and home. But the path ended with the card of discontent. The path of least resistance, and the path of least reward. The other path was laid with challenges of a road less travelled by and at the end was the card of the leader. This was the path of my greatness, that no one had ever walked before. There would be no map and no model to follow.
For a while up to that point a feeling had begun to grow within me. If it could speak it would have said, “There is something more for you”.
I tried to ignore it for months, thinking that wanting to leave was just the urge to run from a situation that had caused me pain. But the feeling persisted like a subtle whisper in the back of my chest.
The voice persisted saying,
With a massive leap of faith I packed up my house, quit my job, pulled my daughter out of school and moved to a new city where I knew only one person.
Within hours of arriving, that one person told me about an emotional intelligence leadership workshop happening that very day.
On another leap of faith I maxed my credit card to sign-up. That was my first day of Discovery and in that moment, my life was changed forever.
Since that day, I have transformed my relationship with myself. I am no longer afraid to feel my feelings. I am no longer afraid to love myself. I am no longer afraid to be unapologetically me.
It has become my mission to teach others how and why to love themselves, trust themselves, and find the path that faith wants to make for you.